Processing: Decisions

I've been hesitant to post this article. Maybe because it's honest. And I'm a little afraid of being judged. But this is my heart and my thoughts. And for me this blog has been about being real about my struggles and joys. So yeah, here it is...I'm going for it. Because I know that I'm not alone in thinking about these things and I hope that it will be encouraging to someone :)


Decision making. Since entering my "adult" life (wait, I'm an adult?), I think that decision making has become one of the hardest things. Sure, the years before/after college are big -- choosing a college, major, spouse, career... But in some ways those choices were easier for me. The answer always felt clear, like I was compelled to move in one direction or another.

But these days, things are more complicated. I'm more conflicted.

For example, having kids. On one hand I think I would love to have a kid right now. I think it would be so fun,  different, challenging and meaningful. Plus, it's hard when in the last year, the couple friends who we would hang out with all decided to have a baby at the same time (seriously! like 3 pregnancy announcements from 3 close friends within a 1.5 month span.) They all have babies now...and that kind of leads me to the next paragraph.

Parenthood freaks me out -- the days of grad school, newlywed life, and our unchaotic little life would be over. Like really over. Forever. And really I'm not ready to give those things up. I love doing my research every day. I love spending nights watching TV snuggled up to my best friend, taking long walks on the weekends, working on fun little house projects, traveling and seeing the world, game nights with our couple friends. I love grad school and doing something I love that feels important.

And honestly, if grad school left the picture -- a lot of other things I love too would leave. Our first little home here in Bloomington, the church we've really begun to feel connected to, the friends and relationships we've made here. Without grad school, we're leaving...because there's no reason for us to be here.

So for now, I'm here. I want to make a good decision, but I want to make that decision when the time is right. So maybe patience. And remembering why I am here. Being intentional with the relationships I have. And being more intentional about sharing my faith!! (more to come on that in another post).

So decisions now are hard. It's good vs. good. It's now vs later. It's go vs. wait.

Processing is good.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I worry that someone I work with is reading this blog. And that they will be worried that I'm going to jet out of grad school at any moment. But that's just not the case. I plan on finishing my Ph.D. and if for whatever reason I decide to leave early, it will not be without much talking with my advisors and giving everyone plenty of warning. In reality that chance is very small. I just like processing how I make decisions and think about some of the important questions in my life.