Am I Crazy?

I will warn you that this post is somewhat vague.

A week ago I was convinced there was no way I was going to do grad school. For a variety of factors: time on a weekly basis, overall time to complete the program, but most importantly -- I felt like God began to yell a call he had been whispering for the past 4 years.

The voice had been so faint that I just pushed it to the back of my mind, and thought, Oh thats nice, maybe one day. I hadn't even mentioned it to Jordan before.

And then I found myself crying at the end of my orientation week and saying I feel so crazy, I feel so insane. Why does God want me to do this?  It has nothing to do with biology. Nothing to do with graduate school.

So now, this call is at the front of my mind and I'm waiting to see what is next. It's hard. A year ago, I felt so strongly that grad school was truly where God wanted to use me. He confirmed that with my acceptance to a school near Jordan's job, financial support while I went, and a program that I was in love with when I visited.

And now He wants me to do something radically different? I can't decide if I was just high on my emotions. Scared of starting school. Being rash. Trying to get out of going to grad schol. Or if God really wants me to do something crazy different.

I'm definitely finishing this semester and I'm open to continuing in my Ph.D program. I actually really like it now that I'm in classes and lab.

But meanwhile, my mind is searching for opportunity to pursue this calling whether it be a few hours a week or by changing the direction of my daily life.

Whatever it is, I pray that my motives would be pure. That I would do nothing to gain more for myself. I pray that I would have the courage to pursue the unexpected and to live sacrificially. Giving up my own plans for the plans that God has for me. I pray that God would give me strength in my weakness. And I pray that I would take action as soon as possible.